Fear. That is the only way to describe it in one word.
During my weight loss journey, I started experiencing what I now know is Imposter Syndrome. It didn’t rear its head until my weight loss was considerably noticeable.
I had this feeling that I was tricking people into believing that I was smaller than I really was. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t see me at my new weight and in my new body. I still saw morbidly obese me.
I felt like it was only a matter of time before the jig was up and someone would call me out for wearing smaller clothes. I waited for the day someone would come up to me and say, “I don’t know who you think you are fooling. You know you don’t wear size 10. You are a size 26.” I lived in fear of that moment. Living with that kind of emotional baggage does nothing to move a person forward, it keeps them living in the past; living in fear and making it easier to justify unhealthy habits.
So what did I do to finally get over this feeling? I’m not going to make it sound pleasant by saying, “I wrote down my feelings instead of eating them.” But I did have to take a good long look at myself and examine why I was feeling so defeated, so rejected, so ugly, so obese, so lazy and a huge list of adjectives that I used to negatively describe myself for decades.
It was painful to put myself under so much scrutiny. But it was necessary. I couldn’t understand where I was going until I understood why my internal map kept driving me to a different location. And it took years of unlearning old habits and being able to let go of unhealthy relationships, not only with food but with people.